if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
The ass gains better be worth it
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