a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
