I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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