I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
