Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
