Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
