Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
