I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Randomize