So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
