No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
