just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
