Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
