You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
my poor anus
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize