My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Randomize
