I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
