so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You pole danced in your parka.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
