That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Randomize
