Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
