On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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