I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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