smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
We're too hungover to prance.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
