Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
