Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
