Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
