i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize