Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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