What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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