life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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