that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
