Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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