I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
