just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
