Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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