oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Randomize
