Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Barsexuality is the new black.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize