Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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