i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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