Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize