I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
The power of my boobs compel you
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
