Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
