She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
