Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
