Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
