it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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