moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
