Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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