sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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