it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
