Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
