If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
