I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
