don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
