You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Everyone says I win the strip club
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
