i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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