When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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