Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
