I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
