My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Randomize
