i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
