I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
