tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
My penis needs a shock collar
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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