So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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