I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
