do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
